Writing

So.. I want to write movies. I know that sounds like a dream I will never chase but it is just something I really want to do.. Write movies that will inspire people.. So many great writers have inspired me.. Not just movie writers but all sorts of writers. I am just so excited because I get so many great ideas everyday.. It could be when I am at work, when I am in the cold, when I am drunk, when I am sleeping just great things come to me and I am just so in awe. So many great ideas inspire me to write.

Here I am again.

So, it has been a while.. I feel ashamed and all a fuss but I have been so busy lately. I have been feeling inspired lately.. So I think I might just start writing again.. So much has happened. Making new friends, trying new things, saying goodbye to old things, meeting boys that will eventually break my heart, taking shots without chasers, sleeping on floors, waking up early and going to bed late, enjoying college, learning to drive (finally), being real to others and most importantly myself, dancing in my underwear.. more, trying new things, losing weight. Overall this new year has had a lot of fun stuff happen and I am excited to see what will happen next.
Ta ta for now 
XOXO Ray

Love life

Nothing is going on, But you insist I spend time with you and give you a chance... Yet you need to stand up and be a man. Take me by the arm and say "woman we are going on a date" I like that. yeah but I don't want it from you.. Just Charlie Hunam.

Being free

I open my arms and see you standing there with that grin, that evil childish grin. You hold my heart in your hand with a firm grasp.. I want to walk away but if one more piercing squeeze I am dead. I feel the force from your hands.. The tears in your eyes. What we had is gone, in the wind and lost. Were we supposed to go on living as one or go our separate ways? I tried, but you still stand there gripping and tearing my seams. I am fading and drowning in my own hate yet you are the one who has my heart.. How do I hate myself so much yet love you more than life itself? What is life? What is death? Who are you? Who am I? The war in my head is telling me to walk away but how do I get my heart back.. You still have it, even when you go home at night and lock it away. Making love to another woman yet you still hear the faint beating of my love for you. You cannot stop thinking about my heart, my love.. My feelings yet you took them away not knowing you would have an effect on them at all. I loved you. LOVED. I can live with out a heart for now but soon your shrinking heart will have an effect also. You cannot love me, nor her or anyone... but yourself. I am free at my heart flies from the ashes. I am complete and able to love again. Good bye.

Lets talk about sex baby

Or not. This is a pointless blog post. I don't know what to write but all I know is that the song White Teeth Teens by Lorde is flawless and on repeat all night. Writers block sucks so I will just go comb my hair.

Marijuana

You know you wanna.

Holiday

SO Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming!! Eeeek! I love the "holiday season" even though Halloween is my favorite holiday! Holiday parties are the best.. You get to wear cute clothes and look like a little cutie with the pink cheeks and the curly hair, at least that is what I have learned from my experience of dressing up for the holidays. This year I am an adult, yet I can't drink with family I will be planning on showing up to family thanksgiving and Christmas buzzed like a little bumble bee. Now don't get me wrong.... IF you knew my family they aren't really my family.. Let me catch you up.. My father, who I call dad who is on my birth certificate and my 2 other sisters.. He isn't actually my father by blood.. But by law he is my father just not biological. My mother had my first sister with another man, then met my father when she was pregnant with my second sister and then married my father and they separated and she met up again with an ex that is technically my "sperm doner" and that is how I came to be.. My father has stuck around and is really more a father than anyone to me.. Now his family with two other children who are adults.. They don't bother me much, but my Aunt, my dads sister is probably the most annoying woman I have ever met, her OCD child probably adds to the problem.. Future serial killer right here folks. Now I love them even though I am talking shit. I love my cousin with the four kids she has even though I probably don't approve of her decisions but she makes some pretty damn cute little black babies.. I love children. I love my grandmother who has dealt with all of their shit in the past and had a lot of strength to deal. Now I don't always claim these people as my family but these are the most genuine people I have met, minus my aunt.... I'm not going into what went down between her and my mother. Now this year I plan on not socializing because I feel so awkward because I only see these people two maybe three times a year. My sister, with 5 kids is hardly ever at family gatherings and I wish I could be like that but I am still a "child" in everyone's eyes. Ugh. I can't go to my mothers because she is in Oregon and I can't stay with any of my sisters because they are both in different states than me. BLEH.
That is all for now
WISH ME LUCK
XOXOXO Ray